The most annoying tour group I’ve travelled with.
In 2006 I went to Southern Africa on my first overlanding tour. Starting in South Africa we visited Botswana, Zambia, Zimbabwe and Namibia. The animals and scenery were wonderful. The same couldn’t be said of my tour group…
Anna
Anna had grown up as an English girl in the Indian Raj, surrounded by manservants. Early in life she decided to be an actress, so moved to the US and married a famous Broadway producer.
Shortly after appearing on stage, her first film role was as one of Pussy Galore’s Flying Circus in my favourite James Bond film Goldfinger. She then moved to the UK where she starred in Juliet Bravo, a popular 80’s police drama.
Having watched Goldfinger again, and remembering Juliet Bravo from my childhood, much of this was untrue. IMDB would support me on this.
Now in her sixties, Anna had become a devout racist. There were too many African people in Africa for her liking.
She griped about our black driver and black chef behind their backs and found a kindred spirit in a neo-Nazi hotel owner in Swakopmund.
The only time she was upfront about it came when we reached Victoria Falls and booked a helicopter flight. Our pilot came to brief us and she called over the manager “Oh no, we need a different pilot – black people weren’t designed to fly”.
The manager rightly told her to like it or lump it. Undeterred she claimed to be a helicopter pilot, so would keep an eye on him.
Kumi
Surprisingly for someone so racist, Anna’s best friend was an elderly Japanese lady called Kumi.
Kumi claimed to be a martial arts expert, and would easily catch flies with chopsticks.
Any time a member of the group called Anna out on her beliefs, Kumi would shove them against a wall or tree and jab her rigid fingers against their windpipe.
It’s hard to come off dignified as a man resisting against a small, sixty year old lady, no matter how violent she may be.
Anna and Kumi thought it beneath them to carry their own huge bags, instead demanding that the nearest young chap bring them up to their room. There were only two young chaps (and George who is mentioned below, who didn’t get asked.) so being respectful we would carry their bags upstairs without any thanks.
Any suggestion that we might need a drink or a trip to the loo first was met with the threat of martial arts.
On the last day we stopped at a beautiful bed & breakfast. Our booking included a room at the top of the hotel, looking down over Cape Town towards the sea. Before we’d even got out the bus the elderly pair had gained the mobility to run up the stairs two at a time, and grab the best room.
We left their bags in the bus. This led to a formal complaint to the tour company that fellow passengers had abused them.
Wild Camping in Botswana
Bob and Mrs Bob
Bob was rich. Bob liked to tell everyone how rich he was and quoted an impressive bank balance with lots of zeros. Once we found out the exchange rate to $NZ we realised Bob wasn’t particularly rich.
Bob’s wife was very glamorous but she was always introduced as “My Wife”.
It wasn’t until a few days in we realised we didn’t know her name, so asked around and found that nobody knew, but everyone had a story. Mrs Bob was only allowed to eat small portions. Mrs Bob wasn’t allowed to weigh over 45 kilos. Mrs Bob was instructed to wear tight-fitting clothes and short shorts. Mrs Bob had to do all the shopping, laundry and cleaning.
Mrs Bob seemed to accept all this without a word. Or a smile.
Sossusvlei in Namibia
George
Overly loud, overly tactile and wearing tight pink trousers, there was never any question of George’s sexuality. Also, because he introduced himself on the first day as “I’m George, I’m gay and I’m fabulous”.
Every time we saw animals George wanted to give everyone hugs and kisses.
Every time we saw natural beauty George wanted to give everyone hugs and kisses.
At breakfast, after lunch, after dinner and before bed George wanted to give everyone hugs and kisses.
This was time consuming.
George’s excessive affection was appreciated least of all by the conservative South African rangers and guides.
When we got back to Cape Town. George went out clubbing and met some less than tolerant South Africans. George returned the next day covered in bruises and his wallet and passport stolen.
This distracted an ultra-religious couple from trying to convert me, who hugged and kissed each other with evil glee.
Derek
Derek was a farmer’s son and a hunter, so had an uncanny ability to spot animals moving through dense undergrowth at extreme distances.
Derek was also homosexual but didn’t feel the need to tell everyone as a conversation opener. He despised everything about George – particularly how he only defined himself as gay, rather than any profession or talent.
He was assigned George as a roommate…
‘Tim’
I’ve completely forgotten his name, but his rapturous face is etched in my memory, hovering millimetres from a red vinyl stool.
Tim had a fetish and didn’t care who knew. Any time we went to a restaurant or bar he would be seen leaning over and sniffing any seat recently vacated by a girl.
Tim was also obsessed over the female tour guide and would sit behind her, sniffing her hair in full view of the rest of the passengers. If called out on it, he’d sit and look glum for a moment, then start again.
I was assigned Tim as a roommate…
Beautiful campsite in Namibia
Royce
Royce and his wife were a wonderful Canadian couple. Their endless supply of stories and cheesy jokes were the only thing that kept Derek and I sane for the 29 days.
Anna again
Our flight home was cancelled, and only two people could fit on the other plane to leave that day. We launched into a group discussion to see if anyone needed to get home urgently. Meanwhile Anna snuck away (without Kumi) and made sure she was on the first flight. This left the couple that had connecting flights in a quandary.
Poor form Anna.
Just before take-off the airline representative appeared again to tell us that they’d found more space and we could all fly. We boarded the plane, and walked through to Economy to where Anna was sitting in the second row, looking belligerent.
We then turned round and went back to our assigned seats in Business Class and with our complimentary Champagne held aloft moved aside the curtain to toast her unwitting self-sacrifice.
Bad luck Anna.
Who were some of the worst people you’ve travelled with? Share your stories in the comments below.
Hahaha, what a quirky bunch of characters. I’ve honestly never had a group that bad before although I find the most annoying types are those who don’t grasp social boundaries.
It’s true that most tour groups are great fun. This group was just the perfect storm of people who grated each other in some way or another.
Steve, I was having a great old laugh at you expense on that one. Sorry you had to endure that mess. Thank god for the Canadians Ah!
I still hope you got to enjoy a little of what Southern Africa has to offer though. I must get to Namiba one day. Safe travels mate….
Namibia is beautiful – the sand dunes are stunning and after a long trip there’s a perfect place to chill in Swakopmund. It’s a laid back African town with all the usual desert fun, fishing and skydiving, but with a high German contingent who have fixed up the electricity and water supply. Keen to go back as we missed the Skeleton Coast, although I don’t think we would have survived another flight together…
When I took the trans-Siberian rail through Russia and Mongolia in 2008, I was lumped with a group of people who had less interest in seeing the Kremlin than getting into each other’s pants. It made for three weeks of gossip and rumours about who was doing whom, where they were doing them, and one memorable occasion when one of my friends (who was travelling with me) woke up everyone shouting, because two of our group were having sex too loudly and wouldn’t let him sleep. Since then, I’ve avoided that kind of holiday tour.
Sounds awkward. I’ve yet to try the trans-Siberian, but did go from Moscow to St. Petersburg by train. We were in sleeper carriages, with each room housing 4 people. As there were 9 of us I volunteered to go it alone and was directed by the train guard to the next available room. Wandering in I found myself faced with 3 young ladies in advanced stages of undress, and all doing vodka shots. Joining in things were going well until the guard suddenly reappeared and demanded that I swap with a girl in the next carriage, who it seems had been having quite the opposite experience. She’d been placed into a room with 3 soldiers already down to their underpants and wasn’t anywhere near as happy about it as I’d been with my room-mates.
Hahah. That sounds great. I remember I found the guards on the train quite tough going, until someone in our group gave them some New Zealand honey. Then they couldn’t have been more pleasant.
Just so happens that my friend and I experienced some grating characters whilst volunteering in Zambia. Half way through we got a new batch of travel mates. They immediately segregated themselves from us by completely not talking to us at all. We were a bit bewildered at first because they were strangers to each other as well! One got assigned to our room and had a sour face the whole time because she was put on top bunk and apparently there wasnt enough room in the wardrobe even though she took two out of four shelves meant for 4 people.
She also complained to our group coordinator that we stayed up late being noisy even though we were always asleep first and we’re usually woken up by her shuffling about and then snoring continuously. Not cool.
Also we were told by this mouthy hag from hull that we didn’t appreciate the experience of watching for wild animals because we had the sense not to Aaah and talk loudly which scared most of them away. 5 hours in a safari vehicle seeing nothing but impala, 38C sun and constant gibbering on about the best face cream to get rid of dark spots would be too much for anyone I think.
You do have some lovely pictures mind!
Thankfully this bunch were quite excited about the animals so kept quiet. In Zambia we joined a public group in a game reserve and came upon a huge bull elephant protecting it’s young. The guide said “Stay Still – don’t alarm it!” so we all froze, apart from the French chap in the front who raised up his camera and took a photo using a ridiculously powerful flash. We made a hasty retreat, and all we saw for the rest of the day was dung beetles.
There’s a few more photos from the trip here, but the text is pretty awful.
Too much!
I went to Brazil a while ago with a group. One person on it was there to find a husband and brought only nice dresses and heels. We were trekking through rain forest. She complained the whole time. (Surprise). Her bad attitude, though, made the rest of us determined to like everything just that much more.
But lord, what to do if you’re with a group without some people who are manageable. Particularly when you’re in danger of being pinned to a tree by your windpipe.
It’s true that one bad apple does tend to draw the rest of the group together, so maybe they’re not such a bad thing to have one grumpy person along.
I almost wish I had had such annoying travel companions just so I could produce such an amusing story. Almost.
I would have gladly swapped a few!
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Jesus H. Christ, what a messed-up bunch! I’ve only done a few group tours in my day, and have thankfully never experienced anything as unbearable as this sounds. On press trips I’ll get the occasional misanthropic sociopath, but in the game of travel story oneupsmanship you would DEFINITELY win. I think I’d rather gouge my own eyes out with a dull, rusty spork than be around these people for a week.
I think there’s always one. No doubt someone at some time thought it was me.
Sounds like the group from hell, but how nice that things. . . worked out for Anna in the end. 🙂
It made the twelve hour flight much more bearable!
This is so bad, yet funny 😀 I’m sorry you had to go through such an experience, this is one of the reasons I think twice, or more, before going on a tour group! You get stuck with the same people for a long time, and if they were as bad as yours they could ruin the whole trip!
Tour groups can be great, but if it all goes wrong then headphones rapidly become your best friend.
wonderful! This made my day!
Wow… worst group EVER… how long was that trip for? OMG
I travelled around Europe for 3 weeks with a friend/acquaintance from University. He let me in on a little secret when I met up with him in London. He wets the bed if he falls asleep while drunk. I tried to make him sleep in the ensuite bathroom one night when we got hammered in Amsterdam. He didn’t listen and sure enough he wet the bed at the hostel we were staying at. Like seriously, what do you say to someone in that situation? I wanted to yell at him but I couldn’t. I would have loved to have walked away (from disgust) and just travelled solo but we had flights booked together at the end of our 3 weeks so it was hard to just go our separate ways. We had many awkward moments on that trip and I haven’t really spoken to him since.
I recently returned from a month long European coach trip.Unfortunately i was assigned to twin share a room with a Mexican who worked in a Mexican Consul in San Antonio.I knew there was going to be trouble when,on the first night he decided to have a shower.That was okay until i found that he had used ALL the towels during his 40 minute time in the bathroom.He would put one bath towel in the bath to act as a anti slip device,thus using the second towel(mine) to dry himself.He would then shave,and use a hand towel to dry his face.He then washed his hands after using the loo,thus leaving no towel for me.When it came for me to have a shower all i was left with was 2 small hand towels.I couldn’t shower.Because of this he next day told our tour operator that i was a dirty person.After this i would get to the shower before him,or likewise take one of the bath towels and put it under my suitcase.This solved the problem.His next complaint was in telling me to either raise or lower the toilet seat according to whatever function i had performed.He complained again about this.His third complaint was that i snored.he would tell me this not more than 5 minutes after lights out,even though i was still awake.I told him he must be dreaming.He complained to the Tour operator about this also.When i spoke to to tour leader we determined that my room mate was only complaining so that he could get a room of his own at no cost to the company.This was rejected. Two weeks of this and the Mexican finally got his own room,but not before he asked if i would pay for half of the tariff of his own room.I rejected this outright as it was he who tried to get me to leave the room.He paid full rates.This Mexican i didn’t trust.Take note fellow travelers.
Sounds awful. I’ve travelled a couple of times where I’ve shared a room with a random person and it’s worked out wonderfully, and another time where it was a complete pain to the extent that I’d spend as little time in the room as possible. Since then I’ve paid the extra and enjoyed the privacy of my own room at the end of the day.
Wow, what a bunch of weirdos! Hilarious reading, thank you – although I’m sure you didn’t think it was funny at the time!
It was a strange trip, but made for some good stories afterwards
Wow- there’s always one person that’s annoying as hell, but you had a whole lot of ’em! But as you said, the worst things make the best stories later. I find budget key to ending up with the right people: People who do not have- or at least aren’t so anxious to announce that they have- lots of money. But also people who are interested in doing more than being drunk all day. Better luck next time.
Jenny
I couldn’t agree more! My last group trip involved a girl who tagged along because her friend was going. She had no interest in history, scenery, art, culture, nature… Really anything besides Skyping with her boyfriend (they fought daily and broke up at one point but, alas, made up in the middle of the night to her roommate’s chagrin) and trying to find a bar and get wasted in a Muslim country. The night she missed dinner to cry about her breakup was the best dinner of the trip.