I was moved from 11L to 2C
With only 15 minutes before take-off, I hurried towards the gate, wary that there were only two people left in the boarding queue. They set off down the ramp as I handed my boarding pass to the gate attendant. She held it to the machine, pulled it away and impassively crossed out my seat allocation of 11L and in a broad hand wrote 2C. She handed it back without a word or smile, which didn’t dampen my excitement on the way down to the plane.
I was the last to take my seat, but the business class section had plenty of overhead storage, and I was able to stow my luggage without the usual effort of fitting my small bag amongst the usual boxes and boxes of wine and spirits that always seem to fill the lockers on these short flights.
Business class only had eight seats, and as I adjusted the seat belt I noticed that the weather-beaten faces of the entire front row had popped up over the backs of their seats to watch me. The similarly haggard two to my right and one person to my left had all stopped and leaned forward to stare.
Ignoring the others I turned to the person sat beside me and held his gaze. He coughed in my face.
The steward came round and got everyone to sit down for take-off. The others variously refused to turn off their phones, put their seats or tables up or fasten their buckles. The steward fussed around whilst I expectantly waited for someone to light up a cigarette.
The plane started rolling down the runway, which was the prompt for the man in front of me to drop his seat back into the near horizontal position, with his head practically in my lap. Meanwhile his companion decided that three quarters of the way down the runway was a good time to unbuckle and go to the bathroom.
Two attendants appeared and after an intense argument, and a little pushing, seemed to come to the compromise that if one didn’t go to the bathroom the other could leave their seat down for take-off. With his head still just inches from mine the chap in front spent a few minutes clearing his throat as noisily as possible. I didn’t see if he spat on the floor.
By now, their argument was academic as the plane was in the air and climbing. This was the cue for three kids to come and play in the aisle in the business section.
The man next to me turned away from looking out of the window and coughed over me again.
As soon as the seatbelt sign went off the two across the aisle from me felt the urge to unpack their overhead locker and leave the contents in the aisle. The two in front of them turned round to check I was still there, and then had a shouted conversation with the people still standing in the seats behind.
Eventually an attendant reappeared and shooed away the kids, then tidied the contents of the aisle so the trolley could pass and eventually everyone on board could have a drink.
When the food arrived it was quite decent, and for once on a Chinese flight, we were given chopsticks in addition to the usual knife and fork. I picked up the chopsticks to eat what looked like beef jerky in a spicy sauce, whilst everyone else tried to use a fork, stabbing forlornly at the solid meat.
Noticing a Laowai using chopsticks, a rumble went round the cabin and everyone turned for another good stare, along with some more shouted comments.
The man alongside me paused briefly from somehow making slurping noises over a bread roll, then turned to me to cough in the side of my face.
The rest of the flight continued in a cycle of staring, shouting, coughing and kids until the seat belt signs went back on for landing and everyone decided to get up for a walk.
In the turbulence of landing, the curtain separating business and economy had pulled to one side. My original 11L seat and the entire bulkhead row behind me lay empty – I could have just obliviously sat there in peace and comfort for the whole flight.
Sometimes an upgrade really is an upgrade
I was once delayed for 48 hours at Miami, missing my onward flights to JFK then London.
The airline put me up in a luxury hotel and paid for food and expenses (as my luggage had made it to JFK without me), then eventually got me onto a flight direct to London. By way of apology, they upgraded me to first class.
Shortly after take-off, the flight the attendant passed along the seats taking our dinner orders. A British lady opposite me ordered beef for her and her two children, but was politely told that there were only two portions of beef left. This resulted in a long and aggressive strop which included the immortal phrase “Don’t you know who I am” (I still don’t) and “I paid over £20,000 for these tickets – I demand beef”.
Eventually she calmed down and the attendant turned to me “What would you like for dinner?” Slightly too loudly I replied I’d “take whatever was left – my ticket cost less than £400”.
The stewardess giggled and I got scowls from across the aisle for the rest of the flight.
Seating plan graphic from the very useful SeatGuru.com
I don’t know why, but unless it’s one of the holiday weeks, or some other busy time, there always seems to be at least one row intentionally left empty on every flight I’ve been on in China. I’m 6’3″, so I don’t fit in tourist/coach class very well. Normally, I would politely ask if I could go back to one of those empty rows, and they were always nice enough to let me. Once though, on a flight from Chengdu to Lhasa, when I asked if I could move, the flight attendant shook her head no, and motioned for what I guess was her supervisor. They had quite the conversation as they both looked me over from head to toe. Finally, the supervisor motioned for me to follow her. She took me up to business class, which had maybe four passengers in the whole section. I had my choice of seats, and the two flight attendants on duty in that section kept bringing me snacks and drinks. I don’t know if they were just bored, or if they thought someone my size needed all the extra food. I noticed that they didn’t try to overstuff the other passengers. Either way, it was a great experience.
Very nice! I think the extra rows may be reserved for their frequent fliers – my partner has an Air China Platinum Phoenix Miles card and if the plane isn’t full we always seem to get a row of three seats to ourself, even if we arrive just a few minutes before boarding.
Don’t you love it! We had a similar experience returning to China from KL recently, no upgrade though. But we did have a lot of ganbei-ing in the row behind us followed by a lot of puking. After using all of the bags from their row and the ones we handed from ours, one gentleman went to the restroom-while we were landing of course!
Great article.
That’s not pleasant! I once sat next to a lady in Club Class on a British Airways flight. Every few minutes she would order a Bucks Fizz. On BA they bring you a glass of orange and a small bottle of champagne. She drank the orange and passed the champagne through the curtain to her two daughters in the economy row behind. This carried on until there was singing and she eventually had to pass back the sick bags.
Meanwhile his companion decided that three quarters of the way down the runway was a good time to unbuckle and go to the bathroom.
LOL!! oh God. You get full marks for patience. Some of this stuff is really revolting and you’ve taken it in stride. Now the test is : can you keep it together when the 5 yr old next to you starts spewing vitriol about laowai…. There isn’t a volume setting high enough on that iPod my friend 😉
I’ve pretty much learnt to ignore everything, which I’m sure is not a good thing. About the only thing I call people out on is queue-jumping. Anything more and I’ll end up on YouTube/Youku like that Canadian expat at the ticket office…
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